I don’t like snow inside my outhouse boots

Putting down roots always felt scary to me. I have tried resisting it for my whole “adult” life. I eventually succumbed to the plan to buy the lovely house (who am I kidding it was my idea), but in my defense I was 6 months pregnant. I felt our current 12 x 20 cabin aka “the love shack” was not enough of a nest. For one thing, it lacked a bathroom and there was barely enough room for a true bed -not just a mattress on the floor- because it was five feet away from the rooms’ corner turned into a teensy shower. I wish I had a photo of that layout!

SInce the snow flies and sticks from October through April, walking outside every 2 hours to the outhouse (recall pregnant chicks go a lot) got to be exhausting. Think of boots filling with the coldest wet snow because it is drifting and blowing snow 50 mph and you aren’t going to shovel the 40 foot path again, it is 3 am and pitch dark out!  Seriously though, if you have not lived without indoor plumbing it is hard to imagine. For 3 years I hardly cared that I had to put on clothes to use the loo, because seeing the stars, hearing the stream, and watching the trees move around reminded me that I was choosing my own path. In those moments I knew that I put myself there.

Yet I dare say hundreds of women are gearing up for their outhouses  as I sit here and remember it with woe. That’s because Alaskan chicks are truly hard core. For me I think deep down I needed to prove quite a bit to myself. I can see the patterns of it laced all through my time living in Alaska, from the jobs I choose, the choices I made and the people I aligned with. I didnt know it then, but I was deeply searching out my own self worth. Yes I am tough and solid enough for enduring more things than I care to acknowledge. Did I need to suffer through it all to find that out? Apparently so. Yet I can tell you now that there were many easier and peaceful ways I could have aced the lessons.

But I believe my souls journey desired to feel the edges and taste grit before it wanted to shine and dance.

So putting down roots i.e. mortgaging my freedom away (how i saw it) , was a necessary path for me. It felt so adult and responsible and cozy to make a house your own special place, your refuge. I needed to learn that it is not where you are (and all the things you can buy at Nordstroms)  that makes you happy and content.

It is inside of your self, where your fears and doubts sleep, that is the place to focus your resources on.



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